Chapter 2- Enter the Hotness!

FasterSkierAugust 9, 2004

Skiing Fast and Looking Good…Mutually Exclusive??

Steadily rolling my way along a stretch of immaculate pavement recently (while shirtless of course), the standard amalgam of gravel spewing semi’s and profanity spewing rednecks rumbling by, I had the rare (exceedingly so) pleasure of being the recipient of an exuberant “Holy Hotness!!” from a passing vehicle full of women. Now, before you get too excited, understand that the women were A.) all octogenarians on their way to/from a golf game and B.) referring to the weather.

This incident, while only slightly ego deflating (hey, I’ll take what I can get these days), did serve to elicit some interesting thoughts on the topic of hotness. For starters, why are there no hot skiers? Sure, there are plenty of good looking skiers, but there aren’t any that are generally regarded as hot. I’m talking about full on, certifiable, jaw-dropping, I need a second to stop sweating, I think I need a stronger deoderant, its 10 degrees and snowing out, but someone find me a cold shower pronto, melting like klister in hell, hotties . Before you vehemently object, realize this…you are not hot. I’m sorry to be the one to pass on the news, but you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are a sweaty, Lycra wearing, color clashing, fashion faux-pas of epic proportions.

This is okay, really, I swear. Rapidly gliding through a ski racing life with frozen drool on your chin, and a vomitously-hued suit on your (admittedly hot, yet constantly out of view body) is definitely the way to go. Actually…it’s really not okay.

Everyone puts hours of training on the docket, but what would happen if we put a few hours of fashion lessons on there too? I think we need a concerted effort to raise our fashion awareness (our relative “hotness factor” if you will) as a ski community. Everyone’s always asking how to get skiing more exposure. Well, time to go to work on our hotness.

Is it really impossible to both ski fast and look good? I don’t think so. We need a little fashion fusion in our lives. High style and haute couture please meet cross-country dork and dorkette.

Let us take a break from our novice mistakes. Fischer skis with Alpina boots? I think not! Rossignol skis with Solomon boots? Who are you kidding??! These are but the roots of our fashionista foul-ups. Imagine a world where skiers glide along at the pinnacle of style, decked out in designer duds and eschewing our exceptionally miss-matched past…

We’ve got our so-called “Gucci” waxes (your standard gamut of Cera’s, JetStream’s, and Helix’s), so why can’t we have Gucci racing suits as well?

Kate Spade, will you please stop making so many handbags and go to work on water bottle holders instead?

Alligator leather boot covers by Versace and warm-up suits by Guess!…Practical? No! Unbelievably sexy? Yes!
How about some real gemstones on those Crowns?

Bvlgari diamond waxes for that cutting edge, and a Burberry balaclava to match, Prada poles and a Hugo Boss headband make you hard to catch.

Let’s not forget practicality however. Warmth is a necessity.

Skiers with long hair, do not despair,…not a style beware, but a fashion tip to share!!

Gents, your windbriefs by Polo, keep you from skiing solo (ensures the ladies will be lining up at your wax cabin).

Ladies, Dermatone will soon be making an exclusive eyeliner and glitter-infused lip gloss line. No longer will we hear, “Maybe she’s genetically engineered? Maybe it’s EPO?” when you ski by. Instead we’ll look on and wonder, “Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s Mabelline!?”

Guys, if your wardrobe is scented by the cleaner from your base, try instead to splash some cologne on your face.

Girls, if you find the smell of tar waxes ghastly…don’t fret, cover the smell with Chanel eau de toilette.

Race officials, your jackets, are utterly absurd, but the winter line-up of parkas from Dior are stunning (or so I’ve heard).

Throw some sweet rims on that Piston Bully, and NBC’s sure to cover us fully.

Next time the snow’s dirty and sebaceous, concentrate on skiing in a way that’s flirtatious.

Catch the eye of your crush on the trails, and compliment their style…it never fails.

(And when you go to jump in that warm, post-ski sauna, don’t forget your towel by Dolce&Gabbana.)

Find a way to bring some extra style into your skiing life this season, and we will all benefit. No longer will we only receive attention because of our intense, in-race expectoration, arriving at the finish line in a slobbering heap. No longer will you be looked at in disgust at the end of your neighborhood interval loop, as you totter along in a cross-eyed, hackity-hack-hack coughing fit. We will be viewed in utter awe, as we meld an uncanny ability to kick ass on snow, with coveted, fashion-show-esq style. So, next time you head onto a set of fresh tracks, or new sheet of pavement, bust out the Extra Blue, and bust out Blue Steel. Break out of your shell, and show everyone the hotness.

Oh yeah, and if you happen upon some sweet old ladies in their golf cart, talking about the weather, blow them a big kiss, and keep on rolling. They’ll never know what hit ‘em.

Rollerski on my friends, and until next time, keep your poles sharp and your wits sharper. (And tuck in that racing suit top, it’s really quite unsightly.)


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