Climate Change Wreaks Havoc on Nordic Clothing Companies

With an incredibly elaborate hoax from the Chinese now in full swing, winter athletes from all over the world continue to struggle with our planet’s changing climate. Snow sports have been particularly hard hit, as rising temperatures and increasingly erratic weather patterns have resulted in less predictable snowfall, mid-winter rain storms, rapidly abating trail conditions, and thusly greatly shortened training and racing seasons. This fallout from these changing climactic conditions is far-reaching and appears to only be worsening.

One industry sector that has been forced to drastically change its business model is that of nordic clothing. While long-sleeve tops and full-length race suits have been de rigueur for literally decades, warming temperatures have forced all of the nordic clothing companies to rethink and adjust their business models and product lines in what is proving to be a very hostile environment.

“We now live in constant fear,” said one CEO, who only agreed to speak anonymously, out of fear of repercussions from the now notoriously vindictive EPA.  “I’ve seen Scott Pruitt strangle babies who supported the notion of climate change with his bare hands. I am convinced that all of us in the outdoor industry are being watched, as we’ve had employees making only passing comments about how warm it is in Minnesota in January, but then boom — they suddenly disappear. I’ve even heard that they are in the process of rebranding the organization into the ‘Environmental Destruction Agency.’ This is equally scary, but at least it is a more accurate name.”

He went on, “Seemingly all intelligent scientists agree that the climate is warming and that this dangerous change is due to human activity, but since the EPA now seems to hate scientists, we are really out there without a map,” he continued. “Yes, we do still produce long-sleeve race tops, but due to the new temperatures that we’ve been seeing much more regularly recently as races, we are about to release a whole new array of race-oriented gear. The newly redesigned men’s line features sleeveless shirts, muscle T’s and even a collection of temporary tattoos with each team’s full line of sponsor logos, therein allowing athletes to ski shirtless, yet still appropriately represent their sponsors. The women’s line tops are almost exclusively tank tops, half-shirts and sports bras, and the traditional full length race pants have been replaced by Daisy Duke-style short-shorts and bikini bottoms. This might sound a bit racy (no pun intended), but we’ve worked tirelessly to keep the garments classy. The climate is changing, so we realized that we needed to change as well. Believe me, none of us are happy about it, but it’s just where we are now in Trump’s America.”

From an athlete’s perspective, this change is welcome and much needed. “I’m all about representing my sponsors,” stated one top U.S. skier, “but I need to be able to race. This year in PyeongChang temperatures approached 40 degrees in one of my races and it’s wacky even think about attempting to race in those conditions with something on your arms. How the other 47 girls did that without issue is simply cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It was very confusing how warm it was, because there was snow on the ground, but yet the sun was out, which is like, totally yucky! Most of our wax techs are foreigners, so I didn’t know the exact temperature, as they use funny numbers, but I was just, like, super-duper sweaty Betty! JP [U.S. Cross Country wax technician] told me that it was +2 at the start and while I don’t know exactly what that means in American, I think it’s something like 75 degrees U.S.”

Noted U.S team physician, physiologist and psychologist Dr. Richard Fitzwell concurred. “It’s really an athlete-safety issue,” claimed Dr. Fitzwell. “A few of the athletes expressed concern for dehydration, heat stroke and possibly even uneven tan lines, the latter of which is potentially devastation to aspiring modeling careers. No one should be forced to endure the indignity of showing up for a Today Show segment with pale arms. That’s simply not what this country is all about.”