In a surprise announcement on Tuesday, USSA's new CEO Tiger Shaw announced a major change in the association's mission with the addition of Competitive Tubing its growing list of sports.
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April Fools
The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey announced today that New York City’s Lincoln Tunnel will be converted into cross-country ski tunnels, expected to open on April 1, 2015.
The Greggs will be a force to be reckoned with this coming season, both on snow and on the road with a decked-out wax truck that's all their own and courtesy of a reality TV show.
Kris Freeman, the U.S.’s top male distance skier, will have a cutting-edge on-board computer system implanted into his skull this summer, completing his transformation into a race-winning cyborg. Freeman, a type one diabetic, has been racing for the last year with the help of two devices: a continuous glucose monitor and an insulin pump. Those products have helped him render the effects of his disease all but moot. But the computer, constructed by his longtime...
All those long, lonely nights driving a cargo van full of skis and waxing equipment across Europe have given USST coach Pete Vordenberg plenty of time to think. Anyone who has ever undertaken a late night trip knows the mind comes up with all sorts of ideas, but rarely do such musings come to fruition. But for Vordenberg, a seemingly outrageous fantasy in the wee hours of a trip across Finland appears to be headed...
In a surprise move late last night the bitterly partisan U.S. Congress unanimously voted immediate American citizenship for Norwegian superstar Petter Northug. Later today in a Rose Garden ceremony President Obama is expected to sign the bill into law. “When I declared Nordic skiing to be the new national pastime two years ago I was scoffed at. But with the threat of a lockout in football, the continuing steroid scandal in baseball, and my own...
The Cambridge Sports Union announced yesterday that they and the Weston Ski Track were embarking one of the most ambitious projects in cross-country skiing history. “Up until now we’ve been resting a bit on our laurels for our use of technology and sustainable resources,” stated Rob Bradlee, coach of the CSU Junior program. “Snow-making using Charles Water river is on the forefront of green technology.” But Bradlee and other unnamed CSU sources admitted that for...
Axel Teichmann always thought that the stabbing pains in his legs at the end of races were a normal consequence of exerting himself. But revelations have emerged from Norway that he has actually been hamstrung by Haitian voodoo, practiced by none other than Teichmann’s chief rival, Petter Northug. The news of the witchcraft came out when reporters from Norway’s Dagbladet found Northug in the team’s locker room before one of the races at the World...
Park City, Utah – In an emotional and free-wheeling press conference here today at the National Center of Excellence, Olympic Gold Medalist in the Downhill, Lindsey Vonn, announced that she is retiring from the U.S. Ski Team and making a bid to rejoin the team as a Nordic racer. With a mix of tears and smiles she told her story to a stunned ski press, “When I won the World Cup this year for the...
In a surprise move, the Pulitzer board has created a new category, increasing the number of annual awards to 22, and awarded it not to an individual, but to a general community. The new “Excellence in Anonymous Website Commenting” Pulitzer was awarded, en masse, to the nameless individuals who have provided supplementary commentary on FasterSkier.com. “This is truly a great day,” said FasterSkier editor Topher Sabot. “It is so rewarding to see our vision come...
Washington D.C, – In a surprising move, President Obama has named Cross-Country Skiing the new American National Pastime, replacing baseball, which has held the spot for three-quarters of a century. “We are totally blown away,” said Bjorn McEvoy, the director of the organization US Skiing As A National Pastime or USSANP. “We knew that we would prevail eventually, but were preparing for the long haul. We really didn’t think we would see this before Mongolia...